Can kiss my ass. While I personally had a wonderful day of receiving little presents from my children and being able to cook my heart out, it sucked when I went to my mom's. My whole MD went out the window almost the second we walked into the dark house where my mom and sister were sitting in the living room.
Mom was disconnected. She was grouchy. She "yelled" at the kids. When I say yelled, she got really snippy when my little niece wanted to go outside to play. Yes, it was cold and yes, Kelsey was not wearing the proper clothes to be playing outside in. But none of the kids were, and let them just go outside and release some energy for 20 minutes. It wasn't going to kill them.
I tried to get the attention on me and my ever growing belly, just so we could all have something to talk about. Naming baby names seemed to take some of the pressure off for a bit, but then you could tell mom was getting tired or something.
Dad was out in the garage with my husband the entire time, talking his ear off. What Brian told me on the way home horrified me. Mom won't let dad out of her sight. My dad told Brian that his perfect day would be "to be allowed to go downstairs and
play the guitar for half an hour." We have a BIG problem on our hands. Mom won't let him go grocery shopping on his own, she'll go, then get tired and then sit in the car. When dad gets back, she'll bitch at him for taking so long.
Mom won't let dad sleep in another room. Although she is up coughing all night long, he is not allowed to go on the couch to sleep. He told Brian that he works 10 hours a day on roughly 3 hours of sleep. What the hell is going on?? Dad told Brian that this is not the woman he married. She flies into a rage over the smallest things.
Oh, and did I tell you that she's given away her Vicoden and OcyCodone to my aunt??? I asked mom, please never do that again. Mom saw no problem in it. EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A FUCKING BROKEN RIB that is supposed to be managed with pain meds. I guess she got a refill, so everything is hunkey dorey again.
What am I supposed to do? My sisters and I are going to meet up this week to try to figure something out. But what in the hell am I supposed to be doing? All I know is that my mom and dad cannot go on like this anymore. Mom is coming to terms with stage four and now we all are paying for it.
My heart hurts and my head wants to explode. I want to say that I am done with this. Can I, please???
Monday, May 13, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Boney Bones
I didn't go to mom's appointment with her this morning, but she did call to say that per the bone scan, everything is at bay and that the treatment is
working. From the xray from April 19th, Dr. G. said that her 7th rib looks
a little thin and the 5th is broken. The broken rib is what has been
causing her some pain (not that I even knew she was having rib pain). He
told her to go on with activity as normal and he is thrilled with her
progress.
This is great news, but I can help but feel that it is overshadowed by her ignorance and meanness from yesterday. I just want to throw in the towel on the whole thing, but the pesky thing is that she gave me the gift of life.
I think I just have to shrug this off, lick my wounds and not talk about it....like any grown girl would do.
This is great news, but I can help but feel that it is overshadowed by her ignorance and meanness from yesterday. I just want to throw in the towel on the whole thing, but the pesky thing is that she gave me the gift of life.
I think I just have to shrug this off, lick my wounds and not talk about it....like any grown girl would do.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
About done with this shit.
Below is a note I just wrote to my sisters. I am reaching a point where mom is making it nearly impossible to care for her and to be a part of her healing. Cancer is slowly taking over my family and unfortunately, my mom is letting it.
I've had it with mom. I just called her and asked her what time her appointment was for tomorrow and she said 8:10, but that it was just for a shot and that she wouldn't be seeing her doctor. I then asked her if she had the results of the bone scan and she told me, well, I assume that the doctor will give them to me tomorrow. So I said.....you just told me you didn't have a doctor appointment. To which she tells me that she would prefer to go to all of her appointments alone now.
Of course, I threw a titch of a fit and told her that it wasn't fair to us that she keeps cutting everyone out. I told her that I am tired of her telling one sister something and then telling that sister to keep it to herself. She cried, and you know what, I didn't care. It's high time that she stops pulling this stuff.
It's like she can't see that we love her and need to be a part of this. I've done nothing but go to appointment after appointment, switch her doctors for her, take copious notes....I'm about done. I've done it because she is my mom. I've never expected a thank you and I know I probably will never get one, and I am fine with that. But I am not fine with the three of us being cut out of her healthcare experience. She got off the phone in a huff because dad was calling. I am not going to feel guilted by her. I am just so frustrated.
I've had it with mom. I just called her and asked her what time her appointment was for tomorrow and she said 8:10, but that it was just for a shot and that she wouldn't be seeing her doctor. I then asked her if she had the results of the bone scan and she told me, well, I assume that the doctor will give them to me tomorrow. So I said.....you just told me you didn't have a doctor appointment. To which she tells me that she would prefer to go to all of her appointments alone now.
Of course, I threw a titch of a fit and told her that it wasn't fair to us that she keeps cutting everyone out. I told her that I am tired of her telling one sister something and then telling that sister to keep it to herself. She cried, and you know what, I didn't care. It's high time that she stops pulling this stuff.
It's like she can't see that we love her and need to be a part of this. I've done nothing but go to appointment after appointment, switch her doctors for her, take copious notes....I'm about done. I've done it because she is my mom. I've never expected a thank you and I know I probably will never get one, and I am fine with that. But I am not fine with the three of us being cut out of her healthcare experience. She got off the phone in a huff because dad was calling. I am not going to feel guilted by her. I am just so frustrated.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Family dynamics
In my therapy last night, we were talking about families and how they deal with cancer. This was brought up because I was telling the group about my last post (mom wanting to only tell Kasey, NOT her other sisters). I told the group that this annoyed me and made me feel "less" of a family member. Why should mom leave me out of a health situation? I was the one who switched her doctor, I have been the one to go to all the appointments, I am the one who takes all the notes.
We were talking about how sometimes families that are apart come together, are already together to fight this as a united front, or just don't talk about it. Each person around the room had a different family than mine. Some kinda similar, some very much different.
And then someone said something that stopped me in my tracks.
Families are like chemotherapy drugs. We may have the exact same disease, but treat it in wildly different ways.
This made sense to me. The couple next to me are the ones that are kinda similar to me. Their family dynamic is the same (mom, dad, 3 daughters). Their 42 year old daughter has stage four breast cancer as my mom has. BUT my mom and their daughter have no where near the same treatment plan. Therefore, they have a different experience and perception of the disease. They act different as a family unit.
I find that it is hard for me to explain all of my feelings right now, but I wanted to make sure to jot this nugget down. It's important to me. I feel like this one is a keeper.
Cancer is exhausting, but my caregiver support group has truly helped....saved...me from my self. My mind is more clear and I have the coping skills to begin to fight this beast. In honor of The Gathering Place, I am fundraising on behalf of them. If you are so inclined, click here, read my story and help others like my mom and me!
Until next time.....
We were talking about how sometimes families that are apart come together, are already together to fight this as a united front, or just don't talk about it. Each person around the room had a different family than mine. Some kinda similar, some very much different.
And then someone said something that stopped me in my tracks.
Families are like chemotherapy drugs. We may have the exact same disease, but treat it in wildly different ways.
This made sense to me. The couple next to me are the ones that are kinda similar to me. Their family dynamic is the same (mom, dad, 3 daughters). Their 42 year old daughter has stage four breast cancer as my mom has. BUT my mom and their daughter have no where near the same treatment plan. Therefore, they have a different experience and perception of the disease. They act different as a family unit.
I find that it is hard for me to explain all of my feelings right now, but I wanted to make sure to jot this nugget down. It's important to me. I feel like this one is a keeper.
Cancer is exhausting, but my caregiver support group has truly helped....saved...me from my self. My mind is more clear and I have the coping skills to begin to fight this beast. In honor of The Gathering Place, I am fundraising on behalf of them. If you are so inclined, click here, read my story and help others like my mom and me!
Until next time.....
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Frustrated.
So my mom went back to work on Monday of this week after being off for about four months. She was happy but hesitant to go back. She told me that she wasn't sure if she would have the skills anymore. She's been with the company for more than 20 years.....she has the skills.
So off to work she went on Monday. She's working half days this week and going to full days next week. Everything has been going smoothly until she calls my little sister today and says that her right leg keeps going numb and she can't walk. BUT DON'T TELL YOUR SISTERS. I just want you to know in case I have to have you pick me up from work because I can't drive.
WTF. Not tell your sisters. So of course my sister calls me, I call the doctor and find out that mom has already called him. In the notes it says that he has called her back, but the nurse isn't sure what he said or if they even talked. The nurse said that it was imperitive that mom speak with the doc, so if they haven't chatted, have her call him back.
I relay the info to sister, and she emails ME AND MY MOM with this:
Daughter -
I am at work but had to call the Dr,. because my right foot keeps going numb. I will let you know if I need you. Please do not say anything to Katie or Jessie yet since it is probably just that I am so out of shape. Please reply to this email if you will be able to pick me up at work if needed. I am waiting for the Dr,. to call.
Love you
Mom
This truly made my heart smile. My little sister standing up to my mom! So I guess we'll play the waiting game now and see what the numbness is all about. Just so very tired of my mom doing the whole divide and conquer thing. It's fucking annoying.
So off to work she went on Monday. She's working half days this week and going to full days next week. Everything has been going smoothly until she calls my little sister today and says that her right leg keeps going numb and she can't walk. BUT DON'T TELL YOUR SISTERS. I just want you to know in case I have to have you pick me up from work because I can't drive.
WTF. Not tell your sisters. So of course my sister calls me, I call the doctor and find out that mom has already called him. In the notes it says that he has called her back, but the nurse isn't sure what he said or if they even talked. The nurse said that it was imperitive that mom speak with the doc, so if they haven't chatted, have her call him back.
I relay the info to sister, and she emails ME AND MY MOM with this:
Mom – can you call Dr. Greenfield? He wants to talk to you. You
might have to go in today. I can pick you up from work if you need. And I told
Jessie and Katie – because they need to know. We all care about you and want to
know what’s going on!!
Love you!
Daughter -
I am at work but had to call the Dr,. because my right foot keeps going numb. I will let you know if I need you. Please do not say anything to Katie or Jessie yet since it is probably just that I am so out of shape. Please reply to this email if you will be able to pick me up at work if needed. I am waiting for the Dr,. to call.
Love you
Mom
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
My thoughts on Boston and a few other things
I've never had a national tragedy hit as close as the events at the Boston marathon did yesterday. An extended family member was running and I called and texted everyone I could until I heard that she was alright. It was an awful hour or so, my mind was spinning out of control and I was shedding a few tears for the people who were directly impacted.
It just seems like every few months, we as a nation are brought to our knees. School shootings, movie theatre shootings, and now marathon bombings. What on earth are we coming to?
As I was pondering this, I wandered over to my friend's blog and this is a verse she had posted just a few days before:
Psalm 37:1 - 11
Amazing, right? The wicked will eventually be taken care of....but for right now we have to deal with the aftermath while they get away. One day, soon hopefully, we will see the faces and hear the names of those evil, wicked people. Until then, we must remain a strong nation and wrap our arms around the victims and those who are going to be traumatized by this for years to come.
It also pains me to think that this tragedy happened on my baby girl's fourth birthday. A day full of sunshine and sparkles for Sadie Faye while many were weeping. How can I have such a high high one moment and then sweep to such a low, low? At moments like this, I wish I were still on the Zoloft! Maybe it could help regulate all of my thoughts and feelings....but not to be with this little pumpkin growing in my belly. I just have to talk to people about how I feel and know that it is going to be alright. It is going to be alright. One more time.....it is going to be alright.
I have lots to write about my mom and dad....but for now, I just want to leave this as is. Thanks to my gal pal for posting such an amazing verse. I'm not a super religious person...but this really opened my eyes and is providing a bit a solace.
It just seems like every few months, we as a nation are brought to our knees. School shootings, movie theatre shootings, and now marathon bombings. What on earth are we coming to?
As I was pondering this, I wandered over to my friend's blog and this is a verse she had posted just a few days before:
Psalm 37:1 - 11
Amazing, right? The wicked will eventually be taken care of....but for right now we have to deal with the aftermath while they get away. One day, soon hopefully, we will see the faces and hear the names of those evil, wicked people. Until then, we must remain a strong nation and wrap our arms around the victims and those who are going to be traumatized by this for years to come.
It also pains me to think that this tragedy happened on my baby girl's fourth birthday. A day full of sunshine and sparkles for Sadie Faye while many were weeping. How can I have such a high high one moment and then sweep to such a low, low? At moments like this, I wish I were still on the Zoloft! Maybe it could help regulate all of my thoughts and feelings....but not to be with this little pumpkin growing in my belly. I just have to talk to people about how I feel and know that it is going to be alright. It is going to be alright. One more time.....it is going to be alright.
I have lots to write about my mom and dad....but for now, I just want to leave this as is. Thanks to my gal pal for posting such an amazing verse. I'm not a super religious person...but this really opened my eyes and is providing a bit a solace.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Just a note - slightly gross
Just needed to write this quick so that I don't forget........mom has a pretty severe bladder infection and has been peeing herself. Kinda hard to hear from your mom that she's pissing herself. But! It's better than last chemo when she was shitting herself.
I asked her how the oral chemo is doing and she has assured me that all of her lesions are flat. We'll see about that......
As I write this, I know that I have some readers who may be disturbed/saddened to hear this. Before I took this blog semi-public, I used to write my feelings and thoughts down without abandon. I wanted to do that today, to make a note for my future self. Instead, I hemmed and hawed over whether this was the right thing to do. I guess now that I am out, I have to realize that everyone can see this. Sorry if I've made you uncomfortable, but that is exactly what stage four MBC is. Un-motherfucking-comfortable. Blah.
I asked her how the oral chemo is doing and she has assured me that all of her lesions are flat. We'll see about that......
As I write this, I know that I have some readers who may be disturbed/saddened to hear this. Before I took this blog semi-public, I used to write my feelings and thoughts down without abandon. I wanted to do that today, to make a note for my future self. Instead, I hemmed and hawed over whether this was the right thing to do. I guess now that I am out, I have to realize that everyone can see this. Sorry if I've made you uncomfortable, but that is exactly what stage four MBC is. Un-motherfucking-comfortable. Blah.
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