Wednesday, March 28, 2012


At this point in the whole cancer process I feel very numb and disconnected to the disease. I've been on Zoloft now for about three weeks and I guess I feel like a robot. I can talk about my mom's diagnosis without getting upset. My heart doesn't clench when someone asks. I feel like people think that I must be very callous to talk about mom's cancer in such a mellow way.

I am very conflicted by how I feel. On one hand it feels great to not be crying everyday. To feel no hope. To be able to get out of bed. On the other hand....shouldn't I be feeling something? I feel like I am being lulled into a sense of security that is going to start crash, crash, crashing down on me any second.

We were told at mom's oncology appointment on March 16 that she will not be getting another PET scan for at least two months. Her hormone treatment needs time to work. I found this frustrating because it seems foreign to me that a pill is going to make her better when there is cancer coursing through her body. She has agreed to go for a second opinion after her May PET scan.

This past weekend was my birthday and I kept wondering if this is the last one I am going to have with my mom. Even while writing this, I feel like a robot. Like someone has invaded my body. I feel almost emotionless. Is this good? What will happen when I feel again? I can't stay on this medication forever and I also know now that my mom can't live forever. What a nasty conundrum this is.

Just for the future when I look back on this, mom is still walking with a slight limp. She says she is feeling better, but I am curious as to how truthful she is being with this.

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