Saturday, May 31, 2014

Jumping...Dancing....Doing Highkicks!!

This is exactly what I am doing right now. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are currently reading the words from the Cleveland METAvivor liason for their Sea to Sea campaign that is kicking off next year. EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!

METAvivor is the only non-profit in America that is focused solely on metastatic breast cancer RESEARCH. They collect funds, and then distribute to doctors and researchers who are looking for a cure. The Sea to Sea campaign is going to visit some of the research centers that they have funded.....which means The Cleveland Clinic is getting a visit!

I spoke to Christine today and she asked me what my ultimate volunteer role would be. I told her that I would LLLOOOVVEEE to stand in front of a room, share my mom's story, my story as a caregiver and educate an audience on MBC. It looks like I am going to get my dream!

More details to come, I just had to share. This is AWESOME!!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


On May 22, 1960 Kimberly Hope Perkins was born. She was a bouncing baby and the apple of her mom's eye. She would grow to be a kind, loving, giving, complex, stubborn, beautiful, flawed, silly woman. She would raise three daughters to have many of her own characteristics, both good and bad. She would die with her family surrounding her until the very end. She would be 54 tomorrow.

Honestly, her birthday crept up on me. I have been so busy with my new job, getting acclimated to a new city and my own kids, that I haven't really thought about it much. Mother's Day was also a major distraction from her birthday. Excuse my french, but mother's day fucking sucked. Major big time. Now, the night before mother's day was AWESOME.

My sister Katie graduated with a 4.0 from nursing school! My whole family and I went out to celebrate her major accomplishment. It was the first time in more than three years that my family had a real celebration. A true celebration. We are all so proud of Katie and so happy that she is truly filled my heart up celebrating with her and my family.

Me, Katie and Kasey

But alas, the fun couldn't continue. I woke up super sad at 3:00 a.m. in my mom's house. See, it was the first time that I had stayed at mom's since my step-dad was in Belgium and I had to take care of her. That time was awful....this time was better, but still a kick to the gut to wake up on Mother's Day in your dead mom's house. I know that sounds awful, but that's how it was.

I was in a funk. Shitty things happened on MD and I hate it. I fucking hate it. But I can't change it. Whatever. Gah, I want that whole day to just go away forever.

Anyways, mom is gone and tomorrow is her birthday. I feel robotic. I need to own those feelings, yet I feel that I should FEEL more. But that's hard when you are on a super high dose of Zoloft. I hate this drugged up state that I am in, but I can't change it. Not right now. I just have to be.

Happy heavenly birthday, mom. I love you and miss you....

I added a flower from my sister's graduation hair to mom's grave on MD. I thought it was fitting.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Because of Her

THIS! THIS is how I am going to spend my mother's day. Reading about my fellow motherless daughters' moms. I am waiting for approval on my submission, but this is truly beautiful.

Because of Her

Read, share, enjoy. It feels weird to say "enjoy," but I did it anyways.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

8 Months

Today marks eight months since I've seen, talked to, or held my mom's hand. Or harassed her. Or tricked her like I was always doing. Or rolled my eyes at her when she goes on and on and on and on about something. 8 months.

At this time eight months ago, I was on my way to my mom's oncologist to have him fill out FMLA paperwork so that I didn't have to go back to work. I knew we were nearing the end, but I had no idea that mom would pass away in less than two hours.

We had already done her last rites about two hours previously. At that point, I thought we were just doing them to get them out of the way. Merely four hours after we did them, she passed away. How was I so naive to think that I could do an errand while my mom was literally on her death bed. Isn't it weird what we do in our darkest hour?

As I type this, I am watching my bouncing ball of 7.5 month old joy, Elise Kimberly. She'll never know her namesake. That bothers me. But there is nothing in the world I can do about it.

8 months. I cannot believe that it is soon to be a year. Blah. I am to young for this. And she was too.