Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I have been feeling pretty okay the past couple of days. I had a terrible dream last night that mom was really upset about her diagnosis. She was crying and saying "WHY ME??". It was a horrific dream to have. My mom has been nothing but solid during this whole time. I guess that's why the dream was so jarring...she was so vulnerable and needy.

As I've said before, I think we have all been lulled into a sense of security. When I was at the doc last week she was asking about how mom is handling the diagnosis. I told her that she isn't really facing the facts and the doc said that she needed to. But my question is, does she? We are now about a month removed from the hysteria and things are going well. Mom is walking with only a trace of a limp sometimes. She feels stronger and just last night she told me that she has started taking the steps again at work. What a huge difference in just a month!

This surely means she all right.....right?

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A slight sigh of relief

So, Kasey's ultrasound and mammograms came back to say that she has a cyst. The doctor wants her to come back in two months for another check. At that point they will probably drain it and then she'll just have to have regular follow-up appointments. I was so, so relieved when I got the call. I just couldn't understand how we were all going to deal with it if she did indeed have cancer.

So now that that is off my plate, my mind has shifted slightly to 4-5-11. The date of the house fire that took our neighbors life. I woke up at 3 am last night (this morning) and was reliving the evacuation, the police car ride, the look of the house...all of it. Brian and I have had to claw our way back to feeling normal and safe in our house. We have the constant daily reminder of the fire due to the plot of land next door. EVERYONE keeps asking, "is your house put back together yet?" I tell you what, that question annoys the living shit out of me.

It's been such a rough time starting with mom's diagnosis. When are things going to get better? I was telling someone the other day that I feel lulled into a sense of security right now. Mom doesn't have an oncology appointment until 4-25, she is feeling somewhat normal, Kasey's scan came back okay, we are a year removed from the fire tragedy.......what is going to happen after mom's next scan? Is my world going to crash down again? Is this the last Easter that I am going to have with her? The Zoloft is really supressing some of my anxiety but I am very fearful of when I have to feel things again.

So, I guess I am living in a dulled state of fear. Fear about my family's safety (irrational, we are going to be fine), fear about my mom's mortality (rational...who knows how long we have), fear, fear, fear. I don't think I'm paralyzed by's just kind of there. When will I go back to normal Jessica? One without medication? After mom passes? But how can I handle that without medicine?

And the second to last sentence fucking sucks. Why am I talking about my 51 year old mother passing? Breast cancer is a mother fucking bitch and I hate every second of it. Wow.....that is probably the first emotional reponse I've had in a few weeks. But it is so true. This sucks and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Well.....