54

On May 22, 1960 Kimberly Hope Perkins was born. She was a bouncing baby and the apple of her mom's eye. She would grow to be a kind, loving, giving, complex, stubborn, beautiful, flawed, silly woman. She would raise three daughters to have many of her own characteristics, both good and bad. She would die with her family surrounding her until the very end. She would be 54 tomorrow.

Honestly, her birthday crept up on me. I have been so busy with my new job, getting acclimated to a new city and my own kids, that I haven't really thought about it much. Mother's Day was also a major distraction from her birthday. Excuse my french, but mother's day fucking sucked. Major big time. Now, the night before mother's day was AWESOME.

My sister Katie graduated with a 4.0 from nursing school! My whole family and I went out to celebrate her major accomplishment. It was the first time in more than three years that my family had a real celebration. A true celebration. We are all so proud of Katie and so happy that she is done.....it truly filled my heart up celebrating with her and my family.

Me, Katie and Kasey

But alas, the fun couldn't continue. I woke up super sad at 3:00 a.m. in my mom's house. See, it was the first time that I had stayed at mom's since my step-dad was in Belgium and I had to take care of her. That time was awful....this time was better, but still a kick to the gut to wake up on Mother's Day in your dead mom's house. I know that sounds awful, but that's how it was.

I was in a funk. Shitty things happened on MD and I hate it. I fucking hate it. But I can't change it. Whatever. Gah, I want that whole day to just go away forever.

Anyways, mom is gone and tomorrow is her birthday. I feel robotic. I need to own those feelings, yet I feel that I should FEEL more. But that's hard when you are on a super high dose of Zoloft. I hate this drugged up state that I am in, but I can't change it. Not right now. I just have to be.

Happy heavenly birthday, mom. I love you and miss you....

I added a flower from my sister's graduation hair to mom's grave on MD. I thought it was fitting.