This past week we moved our family of five three hours from mine and my husband's hometown. After the hellacious year of 2013, my husband and I decided we needed....no required, a new start in a new town. With losing my job, a move became much "easier."
Moving a family of five is not for the faint of heart, that is for sure. It's been a little over a week and I think we are all finally settling down a little. The house is packed with boxes, but we are doing okay.
Now, mentally for me, things have been a little different. It is a mind cruncher to leave your "home" of 35 years, your mom's grave, your siblings and to move without a job (although I should be getting an offer later this week from an excellent non-profit down here...more on that later). My dreams have been disturbing. I think of my mom and dad constantly and ask them for strength. I feel kind of unglued, but then very glued together all at the same time.
The dream that was the most disturbing was one where my mom looked whole and healthy, but was crying about how she didn't want to leave us. She didn't want to leave us. But she had to because of fucking breast cancer. She was so sad that she wasn't with us. It was just a super heavy dream. My mom wasn't really a sad person, so this dream was very upsetting. It was almost as if she was saying that she had a choice and she chose the wrong path. Now, we all know that she wasn't in charge and that she would never choose breast cancer, but that is how I felt after waking up. It was awful.
So, in talking to my husband, he said that the dream couldn't have been real, that this couldn't have been a visit from mom because she is HAPPY in heaven. That everyone is HAPPY in heaven and there is no sadness. Another mind cruncher. And then I was chatting with my gal pal and she sent me this:
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
I am trying to listen to these two bright people, it's just the image of my sad, sad mom that I can't escape. I am trying though. I just miss her so much. But, it's a pain I have to get used to. As much as I fucking hate it.