Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Harder than a newborn

So this post has taken me a few weeks to get up the courage to write. We had a tremendously difficult weekend with mom the 14th and 15th and it has really set the tone for the past few weeks.

On June 14th, my dad was getting ready to board a plane to Belgium for two weeks for work. My sisters and I knew that we were going to have to take care of mom, and we were all cool with that. At about 10:00 that Friday, dad called me in a panic that mom was going to the hospital - she couldn't breathe. He was getting ready to leave for the airport and was beside himself. Mind you, mom's oncologist knew that dad was leaving and told him that it would be fine to take the trip.

My aunt and uncle came over to take my ma to the hospital and dad went to the airport, a complete mess.

All day, I checked in with my aunt and uncle - they took such good care of her that day. I ended up leaving work at 3 and while I was on my way home, she was discharged. The hospital did nothing for her except run tests and soup her up with dalatin (sp) which made her loopy. I checked in in the late afternoon and she was sleeping. I figured I would run over Saturday morning.

In the meantime, my husband's whole family descended upon our house for a family reunion that was taking place the next day. It was a beautiful summer night. At around 9:30 I went up to my room to grab my phone that was on the charger so that I could snap some pictures of the kids. I noticed that I had missed a call at 9:15 from my cousin Jenny.

I immediately called her back to find out that her mom, my mom's sister, had stopped by and that Aunt Karla was VERY concerned about mom. So concerned that she left my mom, went home and called Jenny to tell her about it instead of alerting any of ma's children. Jenny meanwhile was at work trying to get in touch with me and my sisters. I was livid when I found out. If you are that fucking concerned about someone, DON'T FUCKING LEAVE THEM HOME ALONE. DUH.

At any rate, I went downstairs, told my hubby and family that I had to roll and left. On the way to mom's, every bad scene imaginable was going through my head. I called my sister to let her know what was going on and just prayed that mom was okay and not dead on the floor.

I got to mom's around 10:00 and she was laying on the couch, kinda out of it, but I wasn't too concerned that I had to call 911 or anything. I decided to stay the night. She was laying on the smaller of the two couches because it gave her more back support or something. She finally fell asleep around 10:45 and I fell asleep not too long after that.

At about 2:45 a.m., I was abruptly woken by mom's bone shattering coughs. It was a feeling I can't really describe. It was like electricity ran through my body - her coughs were so violent. I ran into the room to see her sitting up and just coughing and trying to catch her breath. After a few minutes, she calmed down, but I was a basket of nerves. I was then up until approx. 5:00 a.m., just trying to monitor her breathing.

Watching my mom was harder than watching a newborn. You don't worry that the newborn is going to die at any second. It was horrific.

At 7:00 I was awoken by my mom retching and puking. I again ran into the living room. It's really a mind fuck when your poor mom can't control herself. I was helpless. Truly. I couldn't do a damn thing.

She and I went outside after a while and ate some yogurt. I ended up leaving at around 10:00 to get ready for the family reunion.  I knew my mom would have visitor's on Saturday, so I was okay with leaving her in the hands of someone else.

I got home and collapsed with tears. It was awful. Truly, hideously awful. I couldn't bring myself together. I cried, cried, cried. It's hard seeing your mom like this. I did manage to pull it together to go to the reunion, but it was hard. That night when I got home, I was almost blind from the tiredness. I went to bed afraid for my mom's life. But I was so exhausted that I couldn't drive to her house to care for her.

I woke up the next morning at 7:00 and went straight over to her house for a few hours. She was doing better. It was like the chemo really hit her on Friday and she couldn't control herself for a few days. By Sunday she was pulling out of the nosedive.

It's been hard to write all of this because I thought my mom was going to die. This is something that I absolutely DO NOT want to talk about with anyone. If you read this, please keep it to yourself. I don't want to talk to you about it. I am putting it out there for my own help. DO NOT even acknowledge to me that you have read this. I am serious. This was hard for me and I can't go there right now. I have talked about this with a very select few and that is all. When chatting about your mom's mortality it can kind of weight you down.

More has happened, like her platelets are through the floor and she couldn't get chemo today. I will talk about that later. I really just had to get this beast off of my chest.

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