Monday, August 10, 2015

Ramblings of a 36-year old orphan

This is a true rambling post. All I can think about is how I'm an orphan and how weird it is.

It’s no fun and it makes me very sad. I find myself being jarred when someone talks about their parents, because I don’t have any and it’s weird that others do. And those people will have those same parents for about 40 more years.

When people say that it is so tragic when someone dies, at say, 70, 80, I just feel very numb. Like, really? My mom died at 53 and my dad at 59. It is really tragic that someone lived a long life and people miss them? Isn’t that the whole point?

It’s awkward and uncomfortable to be without parents. Every time you hear someone talk about their parents, I feel like they feel weird because they remember I am an orphan.

I lost my dad four days after I told him I was pregnant and I lost my mom 13 days before I had my little girl. I do feel as though I was blessed with this baby because God knew that I was going to have a tough road ahead.

Since the deaths, I have been focused on my family, job and Zoloft. Lots of Zoloft. I’m not sure if it’s helping or hindering my grief, but I can’t even worry about that right now. All I know is that I am putting one foot in front of the other…the best way that I know how. It’s all I can do.

It’s weird to think that I’ll never talk to my parents again. That they’ll never know my youngest. That I thought my son would remember them….but he was only 18 months when my dad passed and my daughter was only 3 ½. They’ll never remember him, or her. That just doesn’t make any sense to me.

The thing I hate the most are the “doe eyes.” The cocked heads. The slow nod of the head as I say that I miss my parents. I know that people are trying to make me feel better, but it just makes me feel more isolated. What would make me feel better? I have no idea. I just know that I hate the pity.

Do you know that I now have more in common with 60 and 70 year-olds than I do people my own age? Who else has two dead parents? My friend Sara in MO, but she’s so far away. I know I should lean on her more, I just feel that the shitstorm hit me so fast that I can’t even process.

Again, timeline:

January 18, 2013 I tell my dad that I’m pregnant, he was in the hospital. I had no idea what was to come.
January 21, 2013 – I get the call from my cousin Amanda that my dad has passed away. TBH, I still don’t know why/how he passed. I’ve never asked.
September 3, 2013 – my mom dies of metastatic breast cancer
September 16, 2013 – my baby Elise is born
October 15, 2013 – I get the call while on maternity leave that my position at The University of Akron has been eliminated
April 12, 2014 – my family and I move to Columbus to start over. And it’s been awesome ever since.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jessica,
    It's awful that you have no parents. It is, and you are allowed to feel awful about it. I'm sorry you feel so isolated and it must be very awkward to feel like you have more in common with 60 and 70 year old people sometimes. I don't have any words to make you feel better. I wish I did. All I can say is I care and I'm truly sorry. I hope writing about your feelings helps. Maybe you could lean on your friend more. It might be worth a try. Or maybe you could find a support group of some kind specific to your needs. I am glad to hear the move to Columbus has turned out to be a good thing. Hugs.