Rest in Peace, Mom

I'll save the story for later, but my mom passed away Tuesday, September 3 at 4:19. She was surrounded by her family. And it was awful. My heart breaks because I don't have her, but I know my mom is whole and happy with HER mom. It's what she has wanted for so long. The battle is over...my mom is at peace. I love you.

Last rites

were just administered, this is so fucking surreal. One minute my sister and I were sitting and chatting and the next my dad called to say that Father Mark from St. Mary's was coming over to bless her.

It was beautiful. Mom was agitated, but shook her head yes when Kasey asked if she liked it. I was able to give the host to mom on one of her water/popsicle things.

Hospice was here this morning and said that it looks like we are getting close. Maybe a few days. Cue the awfulness.

I hate this.

This is what I just sent to my friends. My crying is getting in the way of blogging, so this will have to do for today.

 

Hi guys -

I'd just like to say that I super appreciate the texts, letters, cards, phone calls, etc. Since I wrote this a week ago, mom has really slid downhill to the point that I am now on FMLA leave to care for her. A week ago she could talk, eat, go to the bathroom, swallow her medication, clean herself and today she can do none of those things. Not a single one.

My family and I have begun around the clock care for her, something that we thought Hospice was going to be able to provide for us.  It's been hard, but everyone is pitching in. I think my sisters and I have been averaging about 6 hours a day this weekend and then they have been switching who can spend the night to help dad out. With me being 9 months prego, pulling the night shift isn't in the cards.

This has been incredibly hard. I desperately want to talk about it, but I can't. Theresa texted me and I thought I could talk to her, but I drove the whole way home after work trying to think of what I would say to her. I literally can't talk about it. Brian is my only confidant at this point and it's even hard to talk to HIM about it. Sue helped me out this weekend which was great and I made an attempt to call Annie, but by the time she called back in a few minutes, I couldn't formulate a sentence. 

It's hard because I keep thinking that I would be able to talk to my dad about this and feel better, but he's gone too. Please forgive the woe is me moment, but why do I have to lose both my parents in the same year? It's not fair. Dad would have been able to console me a little. I would have still had one biological parent. I just hate this.

I would be very surprised if mom made it through the week. I am terrified of what this week is going to bring. And in no time I am going to have another baby. It's all happening too fast.

Sorry to bring the party down, I just had to get all of this out there. I have the greatest group of friends ever....I am just an incredibly sad girl right now.

Love,

Jess

Nearing the end

My mom's best friend drove 3 hours tonight to say goodbye to mom. And she'll drive 3 hours straight home. Kathy said that it was important that she be there. And it was. I wish/pray/hope that my mom knew she was there.

Kathy told us that it is sometimes hard to make friends as adults, and that mom was her first adult friend. They were thick as thieves for a long time. Once the cancer started, mom kind of withdrew from a lot of people, Kathy included. I can't imagine what Kathy was thinking and feeling tonight as she saw my mom. I tried to warn her, it's a very sad sight.

Mom has literally had four spoonfuls of ice cream over the past two days. Has gone pee twice. Is rarely up. And when she is, she's not really there. She is so weak, so frail, so precious. Speaking with her is non existant right now. Hearing her is almost the same. We have gone to a dark place in the last two weeks, I can't even believe it. Thankfully (???) mom is so drugged that she is "comfortable." I'm not sure that I can really wrap my mind around that concept.

You can sit and sit with mom for hours as she sleeps, but when she makes one move, you feel like your chest is going to explode, that you can't move fast enough to aid her, that you are going to LITERALLY break her when you move her.

I had to put underwear on my mom. I had to wipe her tush. My sisters have fawned over her just as much, if not more, as I have. It's amazing how you just DO when they can't do for themselves.

We are nearing the end. It makes me incredibly sad. I'm keeping it together fairly well, but in all honesty, I have no idea what I am feeling. I don't want her like this, mom would be fucking mortified. Oh god, would she ever be. We try to give her dignity, but it's really hard when she is rolling around on the bed.

I fucking hate motherfucking breast cancer. It's stealing my mom from me. Or I should say, it's already stolen her. I can't even remember our last conversation. Kathy said that it would come back to me. I certainly hope so.