Nearing the end

My mom's best friend drove 3 hours tonight to say goodbye to mom. And she'll drive 3 hours straight home. Kathy said that it was important that she be there. And it was. I wish/pray/hope that my mom knew she was there.

Kathy told us that it is sometimes hard to make friends as adults, and that mom was her first adult friend. They were thick as thieves for a long time. Once the cancer started, mom kind of withdrew from a lot of people, Kathy included. I can't imagine what Kathy was thinking and feeling tonight as she saw my mom. I tried to warn her, it's a very sad sight.

Mom has literally had four spoonfuls of ice cream over the past two days. Has gone pee twice. Is rarely up. And when she is, she's not really there. She is so weak, so frail, so precious. Speaking with her is non existant right now. Hearing her is almost the same. We have gone to a dark place in the last two weeks, I can't even believe it. Thankfully (???) mom is so drugged that she is "comfortable." I'm not sure that I can really wrap my mind around that concept.

You can sit and sit with mom for hours as she sleeps, but when she makes one move, you feel like your chest is going to explode, that you can't move fast enough to aid her, that you are going to LITERALLY break her when you move her.

I had to put underwear on my mom. I had to wipe her tush. My sisters have fawned over her just as much, if not more, as I have. It's amazing how you just DO when they can't do for themselves.

We are nearing the end. It makes me incredibly sad. I'm keeping it together fairly well, but in all honesty, I have no idea what I am feeling. I don't want her like this, mom would be fucking mortified. Oh god, would she ever be. We try to give her dignity, but it's really hard when she is rolling around on the bed.

I fucking hate motherfucking breast cancer. It's stealing my mom from me. Or I should say, it's already stolen her. I can't even remember our last conversation. Kathy said that it would come back to me. I certainly hope so.