I hate this.

This is what I just sent to my friends. My crying is getting in the way of blogging, so this will have to do for today.

 

Hi guys -

I'd just like to say that I super appreciate the texts, letters, cards, phone calls, etc. Since I wrote this a week ago, mom has really slid downhill to the point that I am now on FMLA leave to care for her. A week ago she could talk, eat, go to the bathroom, swallow her medication, clean herself and today she can do none of those things. Not a single one.

My family and I have begun around the clock care for her, something that we thought Hospice was going to be able to provide for us.  It's been hard, but everyone is pitching in. I think my sisters and I have been averaging about 6 hours a day this weekend and then they have been switching who can spend the night to help dad out. With me being 9 months prego, pulling the night shift isn't in the cards.

This has been incredibly hard. I desperately want to talk about it, but I can't. Theresa texted me and I thought I could talk to her, but I drove the whole way home after work trying to think of what I would say to her. I literally can't talk about it. Brian is my only confidant at this point and it's even hard to talk to HIM about it. Sue helped me out this weekend which was great and I made an attempt to call Annie, but by the time she called back in a few minutes, I couldn't formulate a sentence. 

It's hard because I keep thinking that I would be able to talk to my dad about this and feel better, but he's gone too. Please forgive the woe is me moment, but why do I have to lose both my parents in the same year? It's not fair. Dad would have been able to console me a little. I would have still had one biological parent. I just hate this.

I would be very surprised if mom made it through the week. I am terrified of what this week is going to bring. And in no time I am going to have another baby. It's all happening too fast.

Sorry to bring the party down, I just had to get all of this out there. I have the greatest group of friends ever....I am just an incredibly sad girl right now.

Love,

Jess