Struggling

I've been struggling today since about 5:00 a.m. when I woke up, knew it was my birthday, and also knew that I wasn't going to hear my dad's voice today. I laid in bed, cried for a good while, then finally fell asleep before my alarm for work went off.

Last picture together...surreal

The enormity of all this is too much for me to take in I suppose. I mean, today I am 34 years old. Am I really NEVER going to talk to him again? I guess the past few months I've been fooling myself that, "well it's not like I saw him every day...he was in TN." True, I may not have seen him every day, but I could call him whenever I damn well pleased.

I keep hearing him say "Hi Honey" in my head. Over and over. And as I wrote that, I started crying and I just so happen to have one of his Browns towels in my office which caught the tears.

Man, I feel like I am in such a funk. With a capital F. I realize that this is also the third birthday in four years that I have been pregnant, which could be contributing to the sadness. It's just not fair. As I posted today, this is the many of "firsts" that I have to deal with without my dad. It fucking sucks.

I thought of this little diddy for FB and I'd like to share:

34 years ago today a boy became a father and a girl became a mother.....that is something so very special. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, I have to say it's a bit of a struggle today without my dad. I guess this is the many of "firsts" with him gone now. Thankfully I have a wonderful family, loving husband, supportive friends and a sweet little baby on the way. Thanks to everyone for helping me to smile today ♥

And it's true....what a special moment for my mom and dad. I was born 34 years and about 14 hours ago....what were they doing that first 24 hours? How wildly did I rock their world? I can only imagine!

So, I'll say that I'm struggling. I'll put it out there. It's hard to get a big smile today. I just want to go to sleep/cry/be in pjs. Soon enough I suppose....