Thursday, March 6, 2014

Six months later

And I still haven't had the mental space to write about my mom's death. I think of her (and it) every day. The silliest things will trigger my thoughts of her dying breath. Yesterday, it was someone actually saying the words "taking a dying breath." They were goofing about something on the radio and I thought to myself, do they have any idea how horrific it is to see someone's dying breath?? I watched my mother die. I literally watched her die. As I write this, I just want to write it over and over and over again so that people understand. I watched my mom die. The woman who brought me into this world.

Why do I want to repeat it? Because my mom didn't just die, I WATCHED it happen. I wish I could explain all of my thoughts....but I can't. I've heard that it takes awhile after someone in Hospice care passes to remember them any other way than as sick as they were. I guess I have flashbacks of mom, but truly my main thoughts are typically around her last day.

My sister had her 28th birthday two days ago. Her first without mom. She seemed to handle it well, although I know she was a mess. I know that last year I was a mess on my birthday because of my dad's passing. I just can't wait until March 25th when I have a birthday and both of my parents are gone (insert sarcasm HERE).

I've had so many life changes going on, I can barely stay focused on a task for more than 10 minutes. Let's recap:

Found out I was pregnant with third child 1.16.13
Dad passed away 1.21.13
Mom passes away 9.3.13
I gave birth to Elise 9.16.13
I lost my job 10.15.13

Yeah....that pretty much sucked.

I have been so busy with caring for three children (no small feat, I am amazed at how difficult it has been), working full time, searching for a job and house in Columbus, trying to sell/rent our house, trying to be a good wife, that some things have slipped. Relationships have slipped. And that's okay. I can only do what I need to do right now and I have to be okay with that. And I am. Friends and family that haven't heard from me in awhile are okay with that, and I am grateful. In spite of all of my losses I am grateful for my support system.

So, the death story will wait for another day. I want to write it down so that I don't forget it....but really, how could I?

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