Heartbroken

Today, 27 people lost their lives in an elementary school in Connecticut. Once it sank in a little, I thought about mom. In February, there was a high school shooting in Chardon, OH. That was 3 days after we got mom's stage four diagnosis.

I remember being very distraught over my mom's diagnosis. As I was sitting in my office Monday, Feb. 27, a co-worker came in to tell me about the Chardon shooting. Chardon is merely 15 miles away from me. I was overcome with watching the news roll in and seeing the FB posts. It was that day that I knew I had to get on Zoloft. I was so grief-stricken.

And again, it happens. We get awful news for mom.....we are losing the battle and chemo is next and this senseless tragedy happens. I know that there is nothing in common with the two, but it is so eerie that this has happened twice.

My heart breaks, bleeds and cries for the parents who have lost their children. I am itching to get home and hug Sadie and Colin. I love them so much and it is so fucking scary that you can't keep your children safe ANYWHERE.

Hug those you love. Put petty arguements aside. Tell your husband you love him. HUG your mom. Snuggle with your little ones. Feed them ice cream for breakfast. I am going to be doing this all weekend and for as long as I humanly can.

December 20

That is the day that my mom starts her IV chemo. 5 days before Christmas. Booooo.

I went to The Gathering Place to speak to a counselor about my situation. Of course I cried and of course the counselor just sat there with the big, sad, doe eyes. Her name is Betsy and she is fabulous. I really give her credit for working with the dying and their families every day. Honestly, she did give me some good tools and I am going to be going to a caregivers support group starting next Tuesday.

While I was there she showed me their wig salon. Mom is going to be so happy! The wigs are in style, come in a variety of colors and they have someone to help her pick one out. Plus she gets two FREE wigs! TGP is awesome.

I've cried lots and lots today. Some tears are falling now.....I honestly think that my eyes have sprang a leak. I'm exhausted and it is only 8:00 pm. I just wish everything were okay. But it's not, and as Betsy and I talked about today, this time in my life is going to be short-lived. It's going to be hell to get through, but it eventually has to end. What a sad, sad thought. Until later, my friends.

I want to kill breast cancer dead.

So this week in recap:

 Monday on my way home I called mom to see how she was doing. From the sound of it, she had just gotten up from a nap. I would soon find out that she was in a Vicoden haze because she had been in terrible pain all day. Because she had been coughing so much, her rib was giving her pains....remember, the rib that was already thin and that the doc said could break if she coughed too hard? Yeah, that one.

Mom said that she called dad home to take her to the ER, but instead of taking her to the hospital, they just decided to have her take some pain meds and then call her oncologist and my cousin. I was flaming mad. This is how it always works with mom.....brush everything off until the last fucking minute when she is in so much pain that she can't even breathe.

Also in that conversation I found out that mom's new drug had NEVER BEEN ORDERED from CVS. It was basically just sitting in their computer doing nothing. Could we have known about this earlier? Yes. But instead, my mom doesn't want to "bug" anyone and we don't find out about this mistake until a week later. Classic mom.

Honestly, I just wanted to give up. If she and my dad aren't going to take any help and be pains in my ass, why am I worrying so much? Oh yeah, because it's the woman who gave me life.

Fast forward to Wednesday when my sister tells me that mom has a ton more spots and nodules on  her chest than she did just a mere week ago. It's obvious that we are losing control of this motherfucker. Mom called me this morning and told me that she and the doc spoke and that we are going to forego the oral chemo and go straight to IV chemo. The last stop on this journey. We are out of options.

Mom will now begin chemo once a week for three months. 2.5 hours at a time. Now, I am not sure of the cocktail mix that she is going to get with this, but I fully expect hair loss, vomitting, diarrhea and other debilitating side effects.

After I got off the phone with mom, I lost it in my office. My friend Julie came in and helped as best as she could. We are losing mom. How terrible. Our last Christmas. I really hope those words aren't true. I was up from about 1-3 this morning on and off crying. Mourning. Wondering if I am going to give a eulogy. Wondering who will come to her funeral. Wondering if Colin will remember her....she's been sick his whole life.

Today I am going for counseling at The Gathering Place. I need it.

Obituaries and fun stuff like that

In the past two days, I have had FB friends post about losing their dads. My heart breaks for them because I fear that we are not that far away from it. In one of the obituaries it said, "Tom's sons were his pride and his grandson was his joy." If there was anything ever more true about my mom, it is that statement. My mom is constantly bragging about one of us girls. I swear, she brags about us TO EACH OTHER!

I have grown up always knowing that my mom thinks I am awesome. As have my sisters. And you know that mom thinks her grandkids are the shit.

So as I was driving in this morning I was thinking of crafting her obituary. Is that bad? I don't feel like she is going to pass away soon, but truth be told, it can't be that far away....can it? Will this new drug work? Nothing else has, so it's hard to think that we are really going to get a miracle here.

I talked to mom on Wednesday and she sounded the best she has in a month. She sounded so good that she just kept talking and talking and talking. It's what she does best :) I am hoping to pop over this weekend to see her for a bit.

I do have to take a moment and say a little prayer for my friend Carrie who lost her baby this week. On Wednesday I was blessed to go to the funeral for little Noah Matthew who was born at 24 weeks. It has definitly been a week of lows. I pray that my grandma can guide little Noah into heaven and that she's also keeping an eye on mom.

On Monday after mom's horrific doc appointment, all I really wanted to do was to pray. I am not uber religious, but for a while now I have been feeling like I need "more." Brian was brought up Catholic, so he is kind of over it. Sadie does go to a catholic preschool and we have discussed starting to go to church for her. I think I need to go to church for me. I am hoping that I can muster the courage to go. I don't know much, but have a want to learn.

Is it hokey to want to go to church now that I am in need?? It feels kind of dirty. But anywho, I have to run and prepare for a work potluck. Until the next time...

I am so over this.

For real. I am so over this motherfucking cancer. This beast that is destroying my mom's life and our family. My mom deserves better than this.

At her oncology appointment today we heard that the Xeloda isn't working. She's been on it, what, 8 weeks? Of the three lesions that are on her chest, two of them have gone down a bit and the one on her breast bone is really nasty. I thought at first that everything was ok. Then Dr. G. looked and found that there are three smaller lesions. I couldn't fucking believe it. He said that the cancer is progressing through the Xeloda. The cancer is literaly coming through her goddamn skin. WTF?!

She now has to stop her oral chemo and we need to hope and pray that her insurance will cover Afinitor. This drug was FDA approved in February 2012 for renal cancer patients. When you couple that drug with another one, it has been proven to work in BC patients. BUT, since the drug is so new, Dr. G is afraid that mom's insurance won't cover it. If they don't, then we have to go to IV chemo once a week. Which will result in a surgery to put a port in mom.

The doc also said that since she has a thinning of some of the ribs, that if she coughs too much it might break her rib. And then what?! Pain management. Are you fucking kidding me?

He is speculating that the pneumonia that mom has may be linked to her cancer. Maybe a tumor down her throat. Again, WTF? My poor mom. What has she ever done to anyone? Seriously, what? Grounded me too often in high school???? I am so over this, but have to keep soldiering on for mom. Can you imagine being the one to recieve all of this news. I am fucking over it. More Zoloft please.

http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/ucm312965.htm

Just read this article. Is it saying that this is buying my mom 5 months?? can't handle.....

Third round, coming up!

Today mom starts the next round of Xeloda. This will be her third round. So far, so good. No hair loss, no awful side effects. She has seemed to be a bit tired, but I'll take tired over her shitting herself and vomiting all the time. 7 days on, 7 days off.....our new mantra.

Mom said that when she saw Dr. G. a couple weeks ago, he felt that the tumor under her armpit was going down. I haven't seen the tumors on her chest in a few weeks, so I might ask her if I can see them this weekend. You gotta stay on top of this woman!

I'll try to write more later. Just wanted to give a quick update.

We made it.....last day of October!

Breast cancer awareness month is going to be over in just a few short hours....are you aware? No, I mean, are you aware of breast cancer now? You aren't?! Let's give it another month! I can't wait to watch football again without the pink shoes, pink towels and pink ribbons.


Throughout this whole BC process, you can definitely see two camps. The camps with HOPE and SMILES and the camp that is just hoping to get through another freaking day. Another day of living, breathing, being with the ones you love. I am not trying to be cynical, I still smile and laugh everyday, but there is also fear laced in almost each of those smiles and laughs. I live almost every day thinking about when my mom is going to die. How awful is that?

I found myself talking to my aunt yesterday about visiting TN over Thanksgiving to see my dad. I told her that we would for sure be there, barring anything bad happening with mom. And then I heard myself say, "It's not like she is going to die before then, and hopefully not before Christmas either." I ACTUALLY SAID THAT. I kind of sickened myself. Who talks about their mom like that?! I didn't mean it in a mean way, I was stating the facts. I don't think my mom is going to die in the next 2 months. Now, the next year, maybe. Doesn't that suck? It is so weird to talk about someone's mortality like that. I mean, really weird.

Oh! My reminder just went off that my mom should have taken her last Xeloda today. Two rounds of oral chemo down!

As I leave you now, please join me in a happy dance that October is almost over!