Basic Notes

Well, I was going to really write a blog post the other day about how I feel that I am the only one who cares about mom's appointments and knowing EVERYTHING that is going on with her.......but I have been so busy, it's not even worth it. I know that my sisters care about mom, I have to breathe in and let it go.

Sorry to disappoint with no rant :)

Anywho, here are a couple notes from mom's chemo yesterday (my sister Katie went):

• Mom's veins are so shot that she needs a port to put in (should be next Wednesday).
• This made momma very unhappy.
• The only vein that the could get was above her elbow in her right arm....ouch.
• Her weight went down by 1 lb = 138 lbs.
• She is to take Senacot (?) prior to chemo to stop the blockage.
• Mom's fatigue was a 4 on a scale of 10...yikes

Katie stayed until just before the chemo started and said that mom was kind of in a bear of a mood...I don't blame her.

I just sincerely wish that this were easier. That I either was an only child, or had COMPLETE CONTROL. It's hard when you feel like you are the only one doing anything, yet I know that I am not. Katie and Kasey both help mom and dad in tremendous ways that I don't.I understand that in my rational mind, but when I get amped up, of course I become irrational.

Breast  cancer is not only a disease of the body, it can also be a disease of the family. Our family has fought hard against this fucker, but some days it feels like we are ALL going to succumb to it. Blah.

I am so looking forward to next Tuesday when I get to go back to the caregiver's support group at The Gathering Place. It'll be nice to see how the others are faring....hopefully everyone is still with us.

So, in closing today, BC fucking sucks. And that's about that.

2013

Happy New Year to everyone! My family and I just got back home from a wonderful ski vacation in Holiday Valley and I am exhausted, yet full of love for the family that I married into. I just wanted to jot down a couple thoughts before they left me.

I called mom on Sunday after taking a major tumble down the mountain. She answered the phone sounding happy and strong. She almost sounded lighthearted! She was joking with me that she had been following the pictures from my trip and had to tell herself not to post anything "mom-like" on my wall, like "Be careful," or "You should have a helmet on." It was really nice to hear her upbeat. Also on the plus side, she pooped! She's been constipated from the chemo and she said that she felt like a million bucks. That really made me happy. I'm not sure what my mindset would have been if she would have been feeling lousy. If only all our phone calls were that positive.

So last night, NYE, I was spending time with my family watching an amazing fireworks show at midnight. It is truly something to see.....fireworks on a snow covered mountain. It was awe-ful....I know that's not a word, but that's all I can think of right now :)

So as we were drinking and kissing and hugging each other, my main thought was that I am scared of 2013. I know I should stay grounded in the "now" but it is scary to think about this year. Mom has 10 more rounds of chemo and it's only going to get worse and worse. I am scared for 2013 and kinda don't even want to think about it. I am going to try to remain positive, it's just hard sometimes.

I guess we take what little good we get and we run with it, right? That's about all I have to say. Let's hope that we make it to 2014 with my whole family still here on earth.

Week #2

Today was mom's second chemo. I got there a little late after an awful night of Sadie and Colin. I swear, they know when I am stressed and then stay up SCREAMING all night!

Anywho, Brian came with me because he was taking me on a date afterwards. We ended up going to Mongolian BBQ and then home, where I slept for four hours. The rest of the date will have to wait. I was so freaking exhausted.

Okay, so to the chemo. Mom's weight has maintained at 139 (yay!!). This is the first time in a month that she has not lost weight. Her blood counts were also good. Her pulse has been a little racy the last few times. After she gets the IV it typically goes down.

Our nurse Laura was again amazing. She did tell mom that it looks like we may need to get a port put in after this round. So maybe mid-January? I don't think that mom likes the idea, but the chemo is wrecking her veins. If it's hard now to get a vein, wait for another month. I think mom  is going to just have to suck it up.

Everything went smoothly today. Doc came around and told mom that she could use Colace for her constipation, but like the true stubborn woman she is, she said that she probably didn't need it and would just drink a lot of water. Whatever. Sometimes I feel like she likes to be uncomfortable or something.

I left the medical center right before the chemo started. It took almost 2 hours for them to get her all checked in, saline drip, pepcid, benedryl and her anti-nausea medication in. By the time the chemo was going to start I was starving! I spoke to my sister and mom is doing well.

I have to say that I am pleased with week two. It was nice to chat with mom for a couple hours. She was feeling okay and wasn't in a bitchy mood....bonus!

So, we'll go on to next week and then an appointment with the doctor on the 10th. I am anxious to see how her chest looks in two weeks. I am also anxious, nervous about seeing mom with no hair again. It's scary and sad. But, I will try to remain rooted in the moment where she does have her hair and is semi-happy. Thank god for a good day today!

Duh.

So Christmas is almost over. It was truly a wonderful day with my little ones and husband. We didn't have a huge Christmas this year, everything seemed just right.

I wrote the other day how I was a little worried about our Christmas Eve with mom and dad not being there. It was weird, but still nice. When I woke up at 6:30 this morning it hit me, duh, last Christmas might very well be the last Christmas Eve that I had with mom. That's why I was sad. This may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me.

Anyways, mom and dad came over this morning and hung out for about 20 minutes....you know, their usual. I swear, they can never just stay and chill! They got the kids some nice presents and we chatted for a bit. Then my dad got a text message from someone saying Merry Christmas. He didn't know the number and was texting them back, asking who it was. Mom lost her shit for some reason. She just kind of belittled him and was asking why he would even care. You could just see his face fall. She just verbally hit him out of nowhere and it got a little weird. It was so mundane, but she blew up. Then he got her coat on and wanted to leave.

I know she's not feeling well, I KNOW that. I just feel bad for dad. I mean, seriously, it was nothing to get upset over. Nothing. It was all just kind of strange and I wanted to cry a little, but I didn't. It's Christmas, my kids are in high heaven and I know that mom was just acting mean because she is tired, constipated, and to me, it looks like her hair is thinning in the back already :(

If I haven't said it in the last couple posts, breast cancer fucking sucks.

Now, I am off to watch a movie with my baby girl and settle in for a warm slumber. Merry Christmas everyone.

Crap, forgot to update about chemo! (Warning, some BC pictures in this post)

So we started chemo on Thursday, December 20. We got to the doctor's at 10 and left around 1:45. Needless to say, it was a long and exhausting couple of hours.

Our nurse, Laura, was awesome. She went over the basic chemo procedures, basically as a refresher for us. Mom is getting taxsol....the kind that will for sure make her hair fall out. We are going to be going 3 weeks on, one week off for three months.

The scariest thing that happened was when mom had to show Dr. Greenfield her chest. Since she has been off all treatments for about two weeks, the cancer on her chest has spread rampantly. I had to take these pictures and send them to Dr. G. so that he could add them to her chart:

Sorry that these are graphic, but this is what motherfucking metastatic breast cancer looks like. Right here. Do you see any "pink?"

The good thing is that Dr. G. looked at her chest and said that the chemo is going to clear that up. He seemed pretty damn confident. Fingers crossed.

Anyways, seeing her chest shook me a little, but it was nice that my aunt and uncle came up to hang out with us. At first I was a little hesitant about them coming, but in the end, I am really happy that they were there.

They left around 12 and Brian came up around 1:30. It was nice to hang out with Brian and mom. We were talking about break ups and mom said something about how dad used to always ask her if she was on her period when she would yell at him. She said to Brian and I, "he would say that and that's when he would get a chicken sandwhich thrown at his head." That really made me laugh. Mom still has her wacky sense of humor!

So that's what happened the first chemo. She had some pains when they took her blood pressure, so we are going to address that this week. Till the next time....

Christmas 2012

Well, here we are. Christmas Eve. A time when my family (on my dad's side) gets together, plays Bingo, exchanges gifts for the kids and generally has a great time. But sadly, all of that isn't happening this year. Since mom is on her first week of chemo, she wants to stay home and not be around kiddos with germs :( And Colin has quite the runny nose, so I am trying not to blame her.

I feel like I have been psyching myself out, thinking that this is our last Christmas together. So the thought of her not being with us tonight kinda bums me out. Supposedly she and dad are going to come over tomorrow morning.....I hope so.

It's been a rough week emotionally. With the chemo, being called a bitch by my sister, crying my eyes out and trying to get ready for Christmas, I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep! Things are fine with my sister....I know that is how she is. All of us are under stress. It was just kind of a blow to get yelled at and then hung up on. If it's this bad after her first chemo, where are we going to be 3 months from now???

But, I digress. I am excited for Sadie and Colin's Christmas tomorrow. I am looking forward to a ski weekend over New Years. I'm just worried that every smile is tinged with fear. I'm afraid I'll get drunk and be a crying mess.....it's certainly happened before. Drinking is nice because you get a minute of relief, but then inevitablly, a brother in law will ask about my mom. And then I'll break down. Maybe I can keep it together?? Pretty please?

So that's it for now. Mom's next chemo is on the 27th. So far, she's constipated, but I haven't heard of any hair loss yet. To be continued....

Possibilities

Lots has happened since that horrible day last Friday. There has been a lot of talk about the poor souls that were lost and also on tighter gun control measures. It's been so pervasive that I haven't spent so much time worrying about mom. I mean, I have, but maybe 25% less. That's good, right?!

Anywho, I started with a caregiver support group last night at The Gathering Place. It was awesome. I was probably the youngest there by 20 years, but the themes are universal. Here are some of my takeaways (that I'm not going to explain, just want to jog my memory when I read this later):

• Scary karioke
• Possibilities
• Not living the calling hours/funerals TWICE. Do it once....it's going to be bad enough
• Love
• Having humor
• Planning......sometimes we need to take a step back and realize that if everything was planned how we wanted it to be, we wouldn't be living with cancer.

I am really looking forward to going back to the group after the New Year. I felt awesome after I left. Really hoping that this group can help to guide me through some potentially rough waters.

I also wanted to share this picture:

My beautiful family!

This is my family and I this past Saturday when we all baked cookies and put up the Christmas tree. This is my dad's FB post from later that day - "Thanks to my daughter Kasey for the great idea of letting the kids decorate cookies and the tree. It has lifted our spirits. Thanks to Jessie and Brian and Katie also.
I have never been more proud of my three daughters." It was a truly awesome day.

Colin and the tree!

Mom seemed a bit tired and not as interactive with the kids as she usually is, but I know that she loved every second of it. 

Kelsey, Sadie and Aubree

Aubree and Mom

We begin chemo tomorrow. I've scheduled myself and my sisters for each of her sessions through January. Please take a moment to pray for my mom. We all need her around...just a little longer. Love you mom!

Aunt Kasey with her nieces and nephew