We lost a great one.

Yesterday, on the first day of the spring semester, the College of Education lost a wonderful man to stage four brain cancer. Dr. Rogers was diagnosed in August of last year - stage four from the onset.

Jim was a wonderful man. Funny, smart as hell, and kind. He was a professor who delved into the world of suicidology and was an expert. He was one who helped other professional counselors to be their best. He was simply fascinating.

His death has made me so sad, along with so many of my co-workers. How could an academic lose to his brain?

It got me thinking about "prevention." What could Jim have done to prevent brain cancer? He was physically fit, active, non-smoker, what could he have done? Obviosuly I know that breast cancer and brain cancer are different, but one thing is the same. For all of the marketing on prevention, roughly 6% to 10% of people are Stage IV from their initial diagnosis.

My heart breaks for those in that percentage group. They had no chance. My mom did have a chance, being diagnosed at stage 2A initially, but now at stage four we are in the fight of our life. Jim was gone in six short months leaving behind a wife and two sons. It's just not fair, is it?

I pray for comfort for his sons and the co-workers that loved him so much. They are so devastated. Jim, you were one amazing professor, and I thank you for always taking time out of your day to pop in my office and just chat. You were truly someone to look up to and to aspire to be like.

Gratitude

Gratitude. I have to get this word down before it escapes me again. Literally every week since November, I have heard this word over and over. On websites, in speeches, on TV....I feel like that word has been following me. Like, in creepy stalker mode. I keep wondering if someone is trying to tell me something.

Maybe I need to be more grateful? But grateful of what? I suppose that mom is still here and that we had a good scan. I am always grateful for my little family that I have created. I think I am a pretty damn grateful person for the shitty cards that we have been dealt

grat·i·tude  

/ˈgratəˌt(y)o͞od/

Noun

The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

I am thankful. I do show appreciation when things go right. Maybe the universe is telling me to always show gratitude? Hmmmm....I may need to work on that :)

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!! (Pictures included)

AWESOME oncology appointment today. AWESOME!!

Here is the quick rundown:

• Mom GAINED a pound - current weight is 138.08. This is the first gain in over a month!
• BP was good, pulse was 93. A little on the high side, but lower than it has been 
• Energy level is still way down. She looked very tired today
• Cough is still going on. Doc wanted to order an xray, but in true mom fashion, she wants to give it one more week (since she's off chemo this week). Doc was fine with that.
• BUT THE MAIN THING:

Her tumors are shrinking!! Flattening!! Some of the nodules are GONE!! Don't you just want to scream from the top of the trees with me?!

Whew, okay, I need to get myself under control. The rest of the appointment went well. We did hit one rough spot when the doc told mom that we would be in some form of chemo for the rest of her life. See, my mom thinks that if you take one dose of something, and it works, then you are done! Voila! Cured. It's kinda frustrating. At that point, Dr. Greenfield told us, "Aha....I see we have a medicine-phobe here." And that is exactly what mom is. Why can't she understand that stage four means no remission, no break from medicine? If she would only start to educate herself. But, as my loving husband said, she has me for that.

So after the ***great!*** appointment, she and I headed over to The Gathering Place to find her a new wig. Erin, my group leader was nothing short of amazing with mom. She had the perfect pitch with mom and made her feel comfortable. We ended up picking out a nice wig for mom. A little short, but nice.

As I had my back turned to mom trying to put those damn wigs back on the mannequin heads, I turned around and say my mom in this god-awful blondish-brownish curly wig. OMG, I burst out laughing! She said that she was trying to have curly hair just like me. That woman looked a hot mess. It was so nice for that moment of levity.

So, feeling good after a tough, tough week. This is the thing, cancer can bring you to the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. Right now I am riding high and hope that the wave doesn't crash too soon.

Bless and release...

This was quite a day. I feel somewhat "naked" now writing for a potential audience. Before it was just Annie and Sarah, and I can handle those bitches :)

As soon as I hit the send button today, I got sick. I've cried several times since emailing everyone. I feel like I am being a potential burden to you all, even though I know I'm not. Who knew that telling your closest friends, the ones you would live and die by, what you were going through is the hardest thing I've done to date?

Exposed, raw, humbled, loved. Those are words that are circling through my head right now. Along with bless and release. I have to know that my words are not meant to scare anyone, but bring them to a higher understanding of what I am going through. And release that to them. Bless and release.....bless and release. THAT is what my new tattoo may be :)

To update real quick on mom: she called me around dinnertime sounding awesome. She and I are going to the oncologist tomorrow and afterwards are heading to The Gathering Place to pick her out some weaves. She seemed light about it when I asked her. Not as grumpy as I expected her to be. I'll post more when I know more.

Oh! And my friends really know how to follow directions :) Not to email me ACTUALLY means to email, text AND call me :) You are all so wonderful, I wouldn't have it any other way. Who was I to think that Jessica Petersen's friends would listen to her?! If I didn't answer, I will. It was just a way more emotional day than I thought. Love you all.....

imPORTant day

That's what today is....imPORTant. Mom got her port installed this morning after a lot of anxiety. The port will enable her to receive the chemo easier that trying to find a vein that has been destroyed by chemo.

So I get to the hospital at 8 this morning (mom had to be there at 7:30). My sister and dad were there with mom and my nice sister bought me an iced coffee. Good start.

Mom was supposed to go back at 9:30 to have the procedure, but they didn't take her back until 10:20. It was very frustrating because mom and dad were mentally prepared for 9:30 and as the minutes kept ticking past they kept getting more and more anxious and upset. Kasey and I did our best to try to calm them down. When I was sitting with mom at one point, she said that her feet were cold. So I rubbed my hands together, created super heat, and placed them on her feet. I could feel the cold. Her poor little toes. She said that my hands helped and it felt calming to be connected to her through her feet. Weird, but true :)

When they came to get her I was in the room with her and got to give her a kiss and tell her I loved her. She was done by the time I got to work. Sister said that everything went very smoothly and mom should go home soon. This is a BIG bridge that we just crossed.

I also wanted to note that mom started to lose her hair last night. As I was sitting by her bed today, I stroked her hair and said "oh mama, you haven't started to lose your hair yet." As I was saying that, my brain was screaming, "THIN, THIN, THIN." You could feel the thinning. And then she told me it started to come out last night and to prove it, pulled out about 10-15 strands. And what did I do? I said "EEWWWW." Nice. What can I say? It was a knee-jerk reaction! 

I also wanted to give an update on the caregiver group from last night. It was awesome. Once again, I was surrounded by people who are in my shoes....and some who are worse off. The only thing that kinda creeped me out was the first lady who spoke. Her husband passed away a week ago. I wasn't expecting that. She talked of his final days and then his funeral. When she was done, our group leader explained that when a caregiver has someone who passes, they are invited to a final "goodbye" with our group and then they move to the grief support group.

Her story jarred me. Why should it have though? Most of us have loved ones who are terminal. I guess we can't all live in the caregiver bubble our whole lives, can we? It was a sobering moment, but the group wrapped our hearts around her and lifted her up as best we could.

That's about it for today. Time to get mentally prepared for tomorrow's oncology appt. at 9:30. I am going to see mom's chest again. I pray that her lesions have healed a little. Please pray with me.

Ports, support groups and chocolate...oh and Diet Coke

So here is how my week is going:

Monday - drink four cans of Diet Coke (DC)
Tuesday - drink three cans of DC, one chocolate bar and go to a caregivers support group
Wednesday - mom's port appt. I can only imagine that that will entail another 4-5 cans of DC
Thursday - mom's oncology appt. See above
Friday - see Tuesday minus support group

So, at least I don't smoke, use drugs or drink alcohol excessively, right?! I can feel that I am anxious to get this week over with. I just want mom to get the stinkin' port and not have to worry about it. I feel like it is going to be so much easier on her when we have her chemo next week. Keep praying!

I do have to say that I am really looking forward to my support group tonight. It is wonderful being able to be in a room with people who are in my situation. I am INCREDIBLY blessed with the support that I have been getting, but fortunately, not a lot of my friends are in my boat. It's a whole different level when you can really connect with someone because that is what you are going through. I am hoping that tonight is another success.

So, right now we are going to keep on keeping on. Until later....

Sister Break Through!

Today has been an exceptional day. I spent most of my day at home with the kids, cleaning, organizing and catching up on phone calls. I called my dad who was in an AWESOME mood. It just made me so happy to hear HIM so happy.

I had called my littlest sister this morning when I couldn't get ahold of mom. Kasey usually has the lifeline on mom. Well, Kase didn't answer. So a couple hours went by and mom called me. We are getting together tomorrow to celebrate my dad's birthday.

Mom said that she was feeling fine...although her cough was crazy. She and I were only on the phone for about 4 minutes.

So Kasey calls me a little while after that. I asked her how mom is doing and she told me that she and mom got into a little tiff about money. $3,000, dad's 401K, that's about all I'll say about that. Anywho, Kasey then said to me, "I want to say something, but I don't want you to be mad at me." Very calmly I said ok.

Then my little sister started to tell me that she has been reading up and she just doesn't think that she is the kind of person who can handle sitting in a room with mom receiving chemo. She said that it really freaks her out, even makes her sick, to sit there thinking about the poison that is running through mom;s veins. Kase said that she would rather support mom with being with her on the weekends, bringing over meals, etc. I just wanted to cry. THIS is why it has been so hard to get her to go to chemo! I just thought a part of her didn't care. How silly was that assumption?!

I told her that it was absolutely fine that she didn't want to go. She promised that if we were in a pinch she would be there, and I believe that.It felt like a weight had been lifted for me, and her as well. She feels most comfortable spending time with with mom, just not in the chemo chair. I am way cool with that. Kasey gets to spend time with mom that Katie and I can't neccessarily do because of kids, work and school. So we chatted some more and left each other happy.

This kind of conversation with my sisters is what HAS to happen. We need to come together, and while some may think this was small, this was HUGE!

Good day! Now off to watch Tangled with my princess.