Monday, August 12, 2013

Loose skin and brain mets

Well, the cancer has metastasized to the brain. The liver has gotten worse. Mom is now so thin that the skin is hanging off her arms. We are in a dire situation. What do you think my mom thinks?

"It's only three little spots on the brain."
"My doctor said that I could live without 3/4 of my liver."

I just don't get how she can be so positive with some things and then over the top depressed about others. With this diagnosis, where is the lady that hurls to my dad how he is lucky to go to work and be healthy? How can her brain function normally one minute and delusional the next??

Mets to the brain does explain her demeanor...and it makes me sad. We are headed to the radiologist tomorrow to get the new plan and to get her tattooed to start to remove whatever the fuck is on her brain. Dr. G. wants to meet with her the day after she stops radiation for his part of the chemo plan.

I guess I am just wondering how much more mom can take. I mean seriously, she has been a warrior, albeit an awful one. The will to live is strong in that woman, even though she can barely get off the couch. I just don't get the stamina.

We got the word that her disability was approved pay out in January 2014. Who is to say that she is even going to be here?! I talked to my sis-in-law about it and she said that unfortunately, many people pass while waiting out the 5-month wait period to receive benefits. This could be a real situation for us. My dad needs this money. My mom has effed their financial situation so bad, I have no idea how they are going to survive. Cancer not only stole their livelihood, but their hopes, dreams and financial freedom. It is very worrisome.

Yet, here I am, typing this and not shedding a tear. The world is crashing and I am calm. I just want my mom to not be in pain. I want her to have some pep in her step. I want her to enjoy her grandchildren. Is that really too hard to ask?I feel like if she were to refuse chemo, she may be able to regain some of herself. But I think my mom will soldier on. I swear, it's the fucking chemo that is going to get her.

Until tomorrow to see what the radiologist says. I wonder how long she'll have radiation. I'm going to try to ask him if there is a difference between BRAIN cancer and BREAST CANCER in the brain. Hopefully we have the less of two evils.

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