Three years today

Three years ago today, mom called me and told me the the doctor thought she may have breast cancer. Three years ago at this very moment, I was sitting a work, excited to go to my first Browns pre-season game with my hubby. At just about 7:30 p.m. was when I took the call from mom. Three years later and Hospice is at my mom's side. Ain't that a bitch?

I can't believe it's only been three years. I barely remember my life before breast cancer. If I think hard enough, my mom was annoying...always talking too much, always asking too much. Now she can barely speak above a whisper and is so involved with her disease that she can't talk about anything else. Three years ago, mom was an involved grandma of two grand daughters. Now she is a reclusive grandma of soon-to-be five, who wouldn't have the energy to chat with the girls if you paid her.

Now, I don't want people to think I am bashing my mom with this...I'm not. This is the truth. Mom would give anything to be the mom and grandma she was. Cancer stole that. Took it. Gone. It really makes me mad and upset.

This weekend was rough. All day Saturday I was waiting for a phone call about mom, someone to tell me how she was doing. Dad texted that she pooped (yay!) but that he wished she would have pooped more. I nested on Saturday.

Sunday, around 1, my phone starts blowing up. Mom wants to go to Hospice House and be admitted. She can't breathe, she thinks they'll fix her.

My sisters and I show up to mom's, the Hospice nurse is already there. It's been determined that they'll give mom Adavan to calm her, thereby letting her breathe a little easier. I was there for almost 4 hours, sitting in a warm house, chatting with my sisters, looking at my mom's boney frame and sunken in face. Is this really where we are just three years later? Really? It's hard to comprehend.

Today the nurse was to come by at 1:00 and I am still waiting to hear how that went. My poor dad fields so many phone calls, I hate to bother him. I want to know what she thinks/said. I still don't think mom is dying RIGHT NOW, but I know we can't go on forever like this. Will I have the baby before she dies? Is that selfish? How am I going to handle everything? I guess time will tell. This blows.