My dad...

Passed away on January 21, 2013 after a long illness. Since July of last year, he has been in and out of the hospital for internal bleeding issues and breathing issues. Quite frankly, his quality of life has been shit.This whole time I just kept thinking that he was going to be fine....that this was a chronic illness. Until I got the call from my cousin yesterday saying that he had passed.

Wow. Gutwrencher. Out of left field. I lost it. Had to scream for Brian to talk to Amanda while I laid on the steps. Vomited. Eyes are so puffy, I can barely see to type this. I just feel....numb I suppose. I thought mom was going to be first. Am I going to lose both parents in 2013? Am I strong enough to handle this?

My dad was awesome. He and I had a very special relationship that involved a lot of swearing and humor. He and I were always joking around. I think I get most of my sarcasm from him. He was crass and often didn't have a filter. But that was okay, that was just how he was. Just the other day he asked when Brian and and I were going to get "fixed." Okay dad, happy to know that you are excited about your third grandchild :) No filter, but he was always realistic and said what he thought.

My dad had a hard life. Lots of bad choices, some bad luck, but he really kept true to himself and didn't wallow in pity....most of the time. I wanted better for him, but sometimes the "damage" is done and you have to live with the results.

I had to do the hard thing of calling his two best friends last night. Dan said to me, your dad was the best friend I ever had. And I know that to be true. My dad loved his friends. He truly did. I think I get my friendships from him. He was always with his friends.....Tom, Joe, Dan, Keith and so many others. He truly got what being a friend meant and instilled that in me. I can thank him today for my beautiful friendships. I never knew until he was gone what a gift he gave me.

Colin and I are headed to TN this afternoon to make arrangements. Brian and Sadie are coming tomorrow. It's weird to me that I was telling Aunt Coni that I would see her tomorrow. I am going to see my Nonnie. Poof! Just like that, the family that I love so much is all going to be surrounding me today.

I love you dad...so, so much. I KNOW you are in a better place. I know you wanted to be with the lord. I know that. I know you are out of pain. I know your fight is over. It doesn't mean that I have to believe it yet. It's somewhat relievng that you are out of pain and misery. Is it bad for me to feel a slight sense of relief? But that slight sense of relief is outweighed by the fact that you are gone and I'll never hear you bark at me again. It's going to be okay....I know it. I just don't want to know it.

I love you dad. May god rest your soul. Dance in the heavens with grandma Perkins. Run, jump, build cars.....this is your time...revel in it. And always watch over me, because I'll always need you.